


Senses

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Sirius in Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 02:03:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5893906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus after hearing of Siriu's betrayal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Senses

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Remus was in pain.

He was used to pain, actually. Every month he slowly, agonizingly changed from man to wolf. He was acutely aware of how every muscle slid and reshaped and tore on the bones as his mind fought to stay human, eventually losing to a swirl of scent and howling.

But this feeling was different. It was worse. Much much worse. He would have rather undergone 100 transformations in a row than feel the pain he was feeling at that moment.

He had just heard the news, and his breath stopped. The room spun. He knelt to the ground, oblivious to the ministry official who brought the word awkwardly letting himself out of the house. James. Lily. Peter. Dead. His mind could barely form the words.

Another name fought at the back of his throat. He tried to push it away, wildly theorizing that if he just kept the name from being spoken that what had been done by the owner of that name would not be true. But it crawled up Remus's throat and burst, with the breath he had been holding, into the night with more passion than it had ever been screamed before.

"SIRIUS"

Remus collapsed and lay there, on the floor, for the rest of the night. Not sleeping, just staring, and trying not to feel. And as he lay there he tried to ignore the hollow part of him where his heart once was. The agony he felt knowing that he was completely alone in the world was so many times worse than that of a full moon.

Before, at least he knew that when the pain was over, he would be human again, and he would have his friends to comfort him. His James. His Peter. His Sirius. But this pain could not be comforted by James. Sirius had killed him.

"No! Voldemort killed him. Sirius wouldnt. He COULDN'T." he whispered to no one.

"But he DID." Remus sobbed. "He did."

The next 12 years were spent in a sort of dream. Remus did odd jobs here and there. Not many people hired werewolves. When he wasnt working, he was reading, though the words never entered him. His eyes rolled over the words and never comprehended one of them. But he needed to do something to would keep his mind off of the man he still couldn't help loving.

He was barely human anymore. He needed Sirius. Without him every breath was a struggle, every morning woken to alone and still alive was another reminder of him. He was so much a part of Remus that in his absence, Remus was just a shell, wanting to be filled with the presence of something both comforting and cold. Every blink was haunted with the image of Sirius burned into Remus's eyelids. And he loved it.

And he hated himself for that. He hated himself for wanting to see him again. To feel the soft touch of Sirius's fingers across his cheek. To smell the dusky scent that only Sirius had. To hear his laughter. To taste the soft sweetness of the lips he know so well. He wanted to experience every sense, but the only thing he felt was shame.

He knew that this man had killed his only friends, and he despised every inch of him for it. But when he awoke at night with dreams of the old Sirius, the one who was full of love and light, he couldn't help but love him back. The dreams were so real, Remus almost expected to reach out and touch Sirius in bed beside him, but when Remus stretched his arm out, and with trembling fingers grasped only sheets, He remembered.

And he felt it again. The feeling that made werewolf transformations seem like 

a gentle summer breeze. It was the feeling that his very soul had been ripped from him and thrown in a cage, many many miles away, surrounded by hooded fear and walls and a sign that read Azkaban.


End file.
